News.

So, basically, I've avoided posting on here for a while because I just couldn't bring myself to write about what's been going on.  But I feel like at some point, I will need to look back on this and remember how horribly awful it was and hopefully see that everything turned out a-ok.

Last Thursday, M & I went in for our mid-pregnancy ultrasound.  As a disclaimer, we didn't do any first trimester screening.  This was for a few reasons.  First of all, I'm not all pro-life or anything, but for the two of us, we don't view termination as an option.  Second, the false positive rate for things like Down's and nerual tube defects are sky high and the only way to know for sure after getting results like that is to have an amnio.  Amnio= risk of miscarriage, so we figured we'd wait until our mid-pregnancy ultrasound and sort anything out then.  We spent about an hour in the ultrasound on Thursday and saw her kicking away, sucking her thumb and the tech printed us out a bunch of strips of adorable baby feet and profile photos.  She asked us to wait while she showed the radiologist, and then a few minutes later dismissed us.

We had a doctor's appointment right after the ultrasound and the doctor asked how it went.  We said we didn't have any indication either way, and she said that if the radiologist didn't ask to speak with us that we were probably in the clear.

We weren't.  I got the phone call Monday morning while my doctor was at the hospital performing a C-section.  I just missed her call informing me there are some abnormalities she'd like to discuss.  Waiting for her to call back was an eternity.  You know, that pit in your stomach.

2 hours later, she revealed that there are two possible problems with our sweetie.  First, they couldn't see the right ventricle in her heart.  Second, there was a bright spot near her stomach that was abnormal.  Her initial take was:  the baby was in a bad spot and her ventricle couldn't be seen and that will change with a repeat U/S.  The spot on the stomach could be an artifact of the machine, it could be something that goes away, it could be something like a mild hernia.

Then came the sucker punch:  or... it could be markers of a trisomy... Down's, or worse- a lethal defect.  We won't know until we do another scan, but we need to wait for her to get bigger... about a month.  There was no way to process this information.  I hung up the phone, called M, cried my eyes out in the work bathroom and somehow got through the day.  I spent all of Monday night sobbing- you know the kind, 8 hours straight and can hardly open the little slits your eyes have become.

Tuesday I started becoming my own Dr. Google.  This is NOT a recommended course of action because basically everything that goes wrong is written about by someone on the internet.  I came up with a list of questions and e-mailed my doctor (our lovely HMO doesn't have phone numbers direct into offices).  She told me again that I'd have to wait for my ultrasound.

Yesterday, I got pissed.  Like, mama bear wants to know why the hell you are not listening to me.  So, I got back on the email with her and she finally called.  She referred us to an excellent perinatologist who looked at my scans.  He agreed that we need to wait for her to get bigger to see everything better but allowed us to move the scans up to February 10th.  In his experience, this could be nothing more than a (literal) blip on the ultrasound that resolves itself by then.  It could be a trisomy, something he couldn't discount, but said that he was leaning towards her being chromosonally  normal.  His thoughts were that if the heart continued to be an issue, it was probably NOT a missing ventricle, but instead a tiny one that would require surgical intervention at birth.  The spot in her tummy?  It could be a bowel blockage, a hernia, something that would be a pretty easy fix.  He seems to think that at least one of the problems will have resolved itself on our next scan and doesn't believe that they are connected.

The game plan is now for a duplicate ultrasound... depending on the results (which will be read by a radiologist, my OB and the high-risk doc) will show our next steps.  If everything is fine, I will continue on with my regular OB.  If there are issues, I will immediately be transferred to the perinatologist at Children's Hospital here in town and they will monitor me in every way possible.  The cardio-thoracic surgeon at Children's is one of the best on the East Coast.

It's a waiting game.  God forbid it's a trisomy- there's nothing we would do differently except carry her to term and love her for as long as she's with us.  If it's a hernia or bowel issue or a heart issue, they wouldn't do corrective surgery until she's born.  I get that.  But the fear of the unknown is killing me.

I'm glad I waited to blog until I could get my thoughts straightened out a bit.  I am VERY lucky to have a friend who went through an incredibly difficult pregnancy and ended up with a son who needs extra help.  She subsequently had a healthy second pregnancy and has been able to shed SO MUCH light on things for me.  The last 72 hours have been a bit of a blur and I'm still not there.

So, prayers/good thoughts/candles lit/rain dances... whatever floats your boat for happy, positive thoughts for our little girl are appreciated.  Our long-weekend getaway to Key West next week is probably more needed that any vacation we've ever been on and I look forward to sticking my toes in the sand, drinking a virgin daquiri and catching some rays. 

Hopefully happier news will be just around the bend.