Things

I've been thinking a lot about things and have quite the list going in my head...

Something I love:  Playing mancala every night on my iPhone with M once we've gotten into bed.  I especially love beating him 3 times in a row last night and being the winner for the third night in a row.  BOOOYAAAAAAA!

Something I treasure:  My Grandma's wedding ring, carefully worn on my right ring finger.  It's a tiny wisp of gold for a tiny wisp of a lady.  Hard to believe that I have her same tiny (size 4) fingers.  But there was nothing tiny about her.

Something that makes me laugh:  M farting.  It sounds so incredibly disgusting, but I seriously turn into an 11 year old boy every time he does it.  Especially since his face turns red and he lets out the most goregous belly laugh I've ever heard.  Being pregnant now means I can return the favor occasionally.  Just typing that, I am sitting at my desk snickering.  Farts?  Really?  But never fails to get a good laugh out of me.

Something that secretly pleases me:  When I tell people that I'm 6 months pregnant and they look at me like I'm nuts.  I'm carrying pretty small for being 6 months already.  I really do sort of look like I swallowed a basketball.  And every worry aside and obviously the fact that this is really vain... but I really enjoy it.  I've always had a body complex and I've worked fairly hard to not "let myself go".  It helps that my weight was always in my middle anyway, so my chicken legs look even chicken-er.  Now that I'm really starting to have a bump, I'm feeling quite beautiful. 

Something that makes me grateful:  That just this morning- nearly EVERY person I've told (in real life) about our worries has miraculously remembered that today is the day without any prodding and has called, emailed or texted to let us know that their prayers are with us and our little girl today.  My heart really is pouring out with the amount of love that our little girl already has surrounding her.  No matter the outcome, there are so many people who love us and care about us.  I've known this all along, but today it has been really evident that there are so many loving people on TEAM BERTHA!

Something that makes me fearful:  The unknown.  The what ifs.  The "where do we go from here"s?

Something that annoys me:   I must share this story.  There is a woman at my office who is about 5 weeks behind me in her pregnancy.  As I was walking past her desk yesterday, she was sobbing.  Racking, full on body sobs.  Granted, I do not know this woman, but I felt compelled to stop.  I asked her what was wrong and she looked up with eyes full of tears and she said she just got off the phone with her doctor.  My stomach dropped, my mouth went dry and I had tears in my eyes that were threatening to spill out when she said, "and they couldn't determine gender on my last ultrasound... I don't know if it's a boy or a girl".  CHRIST.  The thing about it that annoys me isn't that she is so fucking oblivious, it's the fact that I will NEVER have this.  I will never have those worries.  From the second I had my huge bleed at 11 weeks, I've never again been a laize-faire pregnant woman.  I am annoyed that was taken from me.  I must admit, I wasn't annoyed at this woman- I was livid with her.  I'm pretty sure I mumbled that it would all work out, turned purple and walked away.  I did actually contemplate where I could go to scream without anyone hearing me. :)

Something that frustrates me:  That I have no control over making sure that I have a healthy pregnancy.  I can do everything right- take every vitamin, exercise, eat a healthy diet, stay away from high mercury fish and pollution and things can still go wrong.  And a crack addict can have her 7th healthy child in as many years.

Something that brings me joy:  Running.  Not while I'm doing it, mind you, but when I'm finished.  Pure, unadulterated joy.

Something that terrifies me:  Having a special needs child.  I said it.  I figure you guys won't judge, right?  If I'm writing what people want to hear, then why I am I writing?  I am so fearful of losing Bertha, but even more fearful that she is going to need extra help that I can't give her.  Rationally, I know I will do whatever it is that my child needs to have the best life possible but I am TERRIFIED.

Something that calms me:  I hate sleeping close to M at night.  Absolutely hate it.  I prefer to burrito myself in the covers on my own side of the bed.  Cuddling?  Great... in the morning... if we aren't late (which is basically just weekends).  But this morning, when I woke up far before the sun and my alarm clock and got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I woke him and said, "I need a cuddle".  And he spooned me and rubbed my back and all was right in the world.  It's pretty great knowing that's all it takes sometimes.

I could go on and on all day making lists but let's face it- we are T minus 3 hours from our next scan.  I am at work, mostly because I'd be pulling my hair out at home, and if you could see me- I can't sit still.  I alternate between the serene belief that this will all be behind me shortly and the impending terror of specialists, doom and gloom.  I keep imagining Bertha as a teen, doing something that really ticks me off and saying to her, "I love you more than you know.  I've loved you more than I've ever loved anything or anyone for longer than you've realized."  And then showing her this page and getting a good chuckle out of how much worry she caused me, even when she was in the womb.  And then we'll hug and braid each others hair and I'll tell her beautiful brown wide eyes that she's still grounded.  Because as much as I love her, she still ticks me off.  And that's getting me through today.

I got so many comments yesterday via email and my old blog that I just want to say thank you.  Thank you- all of you, even the non-commenters (who let me know SOMEONE is reading this) for letting me know I'm not alone.  Sometimes it's a lonely feeling but I am NOT alone.  I know I've admitted to struggling with my faith lately but I must tell you that as I'm typing, tears are welling up in my eyes because I know JUST how many of you are praying for us today.  I can feel the prayers, like a warm, soft blanket wrapped around me in the middle of this storm.  It comforts me to know that so many people are lifting us up and it amazes me even more to think about those who are doing it silently, the ones we don't even know about.

A common theme lately has been that no matter what, our friends and family know that I will be okay.  Michael and I will be okay.  We have a strong foundation in our faith and our marriage and come what may, we will be okay.  I have never once doubted that no matter the outcome, we will be okay.  After all, no one is promised tomorrow.  But to be reminded over and over again that come what may, we will be okay has been extremely comforting.  Kind of like once you repeat something over and over again, it starts to become true? :)

So shameless plug here- KEEP PRAYING.  Keep sending good thoughts, good vibes, excellent ju-ju, what have you.  I am humbled by the lack of faith that I've shown and the people who have picked up the slack for me.  We probably won't have any news until at least Monday night, but if we do, I will update.

Thanks for making me feel that I'm not alone.