Well, hello there!

I am a lurker.

It started innocently enough.  I found out I was pregnant in late September and before my first OB appointment, googled something really innocuous like, "Baby heartbeat 8weeks".  That my friends, brought me to a whole new world of information.  Deadbaby/Infertility blogs.  There are a ton of 'em.  And I've pretty much read them all, from start to finish. I started with Julie, then Julia, moved on to some L&D nurse blogs. They are now bookmarked in my favorites and I love keeping up with them now that most of them have elementary school aged children.  I know more about infertility than some people who suffer from it.  This, coming from the girl who decided to go off the pill to see "what happens" and is 20 weeks away from a baby.

This isn't the first time I've blogged.  I had a rather extensive blog on a popular weight loss website.  I've been a chronic dieter, binger, exercise fiend, beat-myself-up-er for nearly my whole life.  We can attribute a lot of it to my upbringing and more importantly my *cough* Mom.  Don't you worry.  I have a feeling she will be making quite a few appearances in this blog.  Probably me trying to send her home when she stays for weeks on end after "her" baby arrives.

So why this blog?  To be perfectly honest,  the blog I had on the weight loss site was great.  It got me through my wedding, helped me discover a love of running and get some crazy thoughts out when all I wanted was a kit kat.  The community there was/is great.  It's just not the spot in life I'm at right now.  It pretty much sucks to log in and hear all about people's New Years resolutions and see that week after week they are running half marathons and  that they just bought a new size 4 pants.  It is hard when I am still eating pretty properly, exercising at an acceptable level and I still gain weight and have bacne (that's back acne, in case you were wondering) like a high school football player.  I know, I know... I'm pregnant.  So that's why I am here now :) 

I realized a few days ago that I really haven't been keeping track of my pregnancy all that well.  To put it lightly, I am NOT one of those people who loves pregnancy.  I don't.  And luckily, I have a good enough head on my shoulders to realize that me not enjoying the gestation period has no forebearance on my abilities to be a good mother.  I know that there are people who would KILL to be pregnant and I certainly can understand their position.  Pregnancy has not been kind to me.  Debilitating morning sickness and fatigue weeks 5-10.  Started to feel better and at week 11 had a HUGE bleed.  Like, I went upstairs one evening to take a shower and when I took my clothes off, it looked like someone had been murdered.  Turned out, the baby was fine but I had a subchorionic hematoma- essentially, a blood clot in the uterus.  Bed rest for a few weeks was prescribed.  That sucked.  Never in my life have a thought an all-expense (well, except for wages) paid trip to the couch for 2 weeks would be the worst idea ever.  But it was.  And if you've been there, or you are there, I'm sorry.  But the main reason  I haven't been keeping up with documenting everything about this pregnancy?  I'm scared.  Shitless.  That something will go wrong.  That this was just "too easy".  After all, after I went off the pill, we had unprotected sex ONCE.  I just keep thinking I don't deserve this and something is going to happen.  I held my breath for my first appointment.  I held my breath to hear the heartbeat.  I didn't breathe for quite some time after I started bleeding.  Each and every time I see her pop up on that screen (yes, our little sweetie is a girl!!! :), I let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding.  My huge anatomy scan is coming up on Monday 1/16.  I keep telling myself if I can get through this, or get through that, maybe she's really sticking around and everything will be okay.  I realized that I have to let go at some point.  Things could go wrong- absolutely.  I've read too many blogs about babies that were "fine" and were stillborn due to cord prolapses or had genetic diseases that weren't discovered before birth.  I've read about placental abruptions and statistics and I think once and for all, it's time that I STOPPED playing Dr. Google and tried to enjoy the last half of my pregnancy.  Our little sweetie will be here before I know it. :)

I'm not trying to write a novel- after all, I'm not sure how many characters this thing allows.  And I am sure that I have bored you to tears.  There will be plenty of time to get to know my sweet hubby (we'll call him M), my nutball Labrador, my job (boring but definitely a step in the right direction), and my family (I could have a separate blog for their shenanigans).  But for now, I'm focusing on remembering the little things that happen before the baby comes.  That's it for now :)